I am sitting here trying to unwind to go to bed, but my thoughts are churning around inside. Sleep won't come for a while yet. I am hardly able to think of anything else these days except for our upcoming adoption. One minute I am sure it is going to happen just around the corner. Another minute I am feeling hopeless. It is crazy but sometimes I fear that all God's goodness and loving provision was totally used up in His giving Jonathan to us. Is He really so small to me? I am glad He remembers I am only dust afterall (Psalm 103:14). I am sure I daily try His patience. Lately I feel He is trying mine!

The following is from http://www.jochebedshope.org. It encourages me to persevere. "Why is Jochebed’s Hope needed? Simply put, because we often fail to view adoption from God’s perspective…something He created for His pleasure and His purpose. Many people, including Christians, don’t think very highly of women who place their children for adoption. That’s why they are so rarely honored. "What kind of mother would give up her child?" we have often heard. Our human perspective shines through as we fail to see the possibility of a divine plan being set into motion. It is time to view adoption in a whole new way and to talk about adoption with a brand new vocabulary. For the vast majority of birthmothers, adoption is not “giving up” an unwanted child, but “giving life” to a child who was deeply loved and wanted. What the birth mother does in adoption is to give her child a future and hope that she could not provide by herself. Adoption is not the abandonment of a baby but the abandonment of self. It’s not a breaking of trust, but a keeping of faith. It is not an abdication of responsibility but an act of redemption. The Bible provides the first view of adoption as a covenant, rather than a contract. While Ancient Hebrews believed that contracts governed the exchange of property, the formation of personal relationships were based on covenants. They believed that a family bound by covenant, as a sacred promise, was stronger than one bound only by biology. God's plan for Moses was secured by the faith and sacrifice of two women, Jochebed and Pharaoh's daughter. Their adoption covenant was a promise which ensured that Moses would be spared and nurtured. We know that Jochebed and her husband hid Moses for three months as she contemplated what she was going to do to save her son. The most loving thing she could do was to save his life, but to do that ,she had to give up the joy of sharing life directly with him. Love can look a lot like abandonment to people who lack the wisdom to tell the difference. But there was no broken trust here. After placing Moses in the water, she left her daughter, Miriam, behind to watch and see what happened to the baby. We see a mother’s concern, longing to know that her child is all right, that she has made the right choice. What were Jochebed’s hopes and dreams for her son as she placed him in the basket and cast him into the water? First, it is obvious, that she hoped for his physical protection. Secondly, I believe and that scripture supports that she hoped this baby would grow to serve and honor God. "

This helps me put into perspective my role in this process. My role as an adoptive mother is to joyfully receive the gift of a child that is placed in my arms with love and trust by my child's birthmom. Her role is infinitely more courageous. Her road is paved with humility, strength and self sacrifice. Mine is etched with chubby cheeks, square little feet and playful grins. My life has not been the same after knowing Jonathan's birthmom. I know that our next birthmom will bring more fullness to my heart as well. I want to do this waiting well. I think I will go to bed and rest in God's gracious provision.