Pancake breakfast

Jonathan helped me make pancakes this morning! He is actually quite coordinated, and dumped all the measured ingredients into the bowl without any spills. He loved stirring. It was really fun. I used to do things like this with my niece and nephews and dreamed of the day when I could do these things with my own children. That day is here!

Lazy summer days

We've been spending lots of time at our neighborhood pool this summer. At first, Jonathan didn't like the water, but the more we keep taking him, the more he likes it.

One of my favorite photos

From time to time, I will post some of my all time favorite family photos. This is one of them. Jonathan had just turned one and we had this taken on the railroad tracks at downtown Woodstock. I love looking back and remembering what he was like then. I love how chubby he used to be! He has totally outgrown his baby fat and is a such little boy now. He is repeating most of what we say now, so we have to be very careful with what words we use!

I love my sweet boy

{Anna Kate and Sophie}

Last night we met up with our good friends Joe and Joy and their girls, Anna Kate and Sophie. We enjoyed pizza at the Marietta Pizza Company. Afterwards we strolled to the park and the little ones played on the train. Everywhere I looked, I saw pregnant women. I still feel a tiny speck of sadness in general over our infertility. The sadness is heightened when I am feeling emotional about the adoption process. I am thrilled to be adopting again. I just feel like I have been nine months pregnant in my heart for such a long, long time. And the waiting stretches on and on. My envy of the pregnant women is that they hold such a tangible link to their unborn baby. They carry their unborn baby with them everywhere. They physically can feel their baby and know they are safe. I feel like my heart is ever expanding with love for our baby, whoever they are, wherever they are. I just miss not having any kind of link to them. The void is huge.

Jonny has been off from work this week which has been super. We’ve enjoyed a lot of family time together. Jonny and I had a getaway in Chattanooga on Monday and Tuesday. It was fun just being a couple. Of course we missed Jonathan and talked about him a most of the time! When we checked in to our bed and breakfast on Lookout Mountain we discovered we had left our overnight bag on our bed back at home. We laughed about it, and then went to the Dollar Store to buy deodorant, a toothbrush (and underwear!). We ate a very relaxing dinner in the art district, overlooking the Tennessee River. On Tuesday we went for a riverboat ride on the Southern Belle. Being on the water was so peaceful. Our spirits were refreshed and we returned home Tuesday afternoon.

Part of the reason we needed to get away was the pressure and emotional strain of going through the adoption process again. I forgot all that we went through on our path to adopt Jonathan. The birthmom I had mentioned in my previous post did choose us as the adoptive couple she wanted to place her baby with. We had heard some negative things about the adoption agency who represented her to us. After much prayer and seeking counsel of several knowledgeable people in the adoption arena, we felt it would be extremely risky to move forward with this agency. It was most painful not to move forward with this birthmom.

Then there was a birthmom in Florida expecting twins who was going to view our profile. Her phone has been disconnected and she has not attempted to contact the adoption agency. At this point, we all assume she is going to parent her babies. Which is a wonderful thing, of course. I am selfishly disappointed for me.

I feel like my life is on hold and I strongly dislike the feeling. I have no due date. I don’t even know if we are going to have a baby anytime soon. I want to move forward with school but hesitate because of thinking any second that we could get a call about a baby. I am just in this endless limbo. Some days I handle it better than others. Today is one of the others.