Today Elizabeth reached 33 weeks! We are praising God for her making it this far. While I want her to remain in the womb for at least 3 more weeks, I have to say I am tired of waiting. And I have friends who have been waiting for nearly 2 years to adopt internationally. I admit it: I am a wimp when it comes to waiting. I have not learned how to do it gracefully. God is so faithful to hand me one opportunity after the other to help me develop this quality. And yet it eludes me still.
This past week, with my being sick, I found myself at a low point emotionally. Jonny’s upcoming year long deployment to Afghanistan has really started to affect me. May is still a little ways off. But when my husband knows he has to leave his household thoroughly equipped, and as if he will not return, we can’t wait until April to begin dealing with all the areas of life this deployment touches. Just the house alone raises questions I never think about: who do I call if the hot water goes out? if the air stops working? if something starts to leak? how often should the gutters be cleaned? who is going to mow the lawn? My mind starts to drum up crazy scenarios, like termites invading while he’s gone. Our finances is another area he has been training me in for quite a while. And it still is not something I am comfortable taking over completely. Then there is the car, with its tire rotations, oil changes, and whatever else a car needs in order to run smoothly. I feel like a helpless, 1950’s housewife! Not to mention the everyday things I do just to meet the daily physical needs of a growing family. The thought of my husband being gone for a year causes me to push him away subtly to protect myself from the pain of our separation. Our marriage is suddenly in a state of intensity like never before from all the pressure we feel related to this deployment. Life has just been really hard for us lately.
So, this week I felt like it was time for a well deserved pity party. I kept reminding God that sometimes I feel like He chooses some of the hardest things I personally could have ever thought of and gives them all to me to deal with. Am I making any sense? I am thinking of our infertility and now our upcoming deployment. God is taking a path here that I definitely would have said “NO” to. I just struggle with the decisions God makes for me sometimes.
And yet…. in the midst of this week God taught me two profound truths about Himself. These hard things can be His invitation to draw me closer to His side, to experience a greater outpouring of His Spirit, a renewed over flow of His grace into my life. For it is the hard things that show me what I lack and cause me to grab onto Him with all my might. The other truth came from Romans 11:33-36, which I have paraphrased in my own words,
Oh, the canyon that encompasses all the wealth and counsel and mind of God! How mysterious are his manners and how veiled are the paths He chooses for us! For who has ever fathomed the thoughts inside His head, or who has ever surprised Him with their wit or wisdom? Who of us has ever lent God anything that God is now indebted to us? He is life itself, and the source of all life which springs from Him. He alone is worthy of our adoration. Amen.
Even though the path He chooses might often seem untraceable to my limited perspective, my path comes from the depth of His perfect wisdom and knowledge. This helps me rest in the choices He makes for me. Yes, the path is hard at times. But this path is the one He has chosen, therefore it is perfect.
This picture of my son is one of my favorites ever. A good friend snapped this recently. If God had not chosen the path of infertility for us, I would not have his beautiful little face in my life. To think of what I might have missed if I had insisted on a path of my own choosing is a horrible thought. Every day my son is a physical reminder of the untraceable paths of the Lord. All His ways lead to a glorious end. I pray for grace to keep me on the path when I am tempted to wander.
This past week, with my being sick, I found myself at a low point emotionally. Jonny’s upcoming year long deployment to Afghanistan has really started to affect me. May is still a little ways off. But when my husband knows he has to leave his household thoroughly equipped, and as if he will not return, we can’t wait until April to begin dealing with all the areas of life this deployment touches. Just the house alone raises questions I never think about: who do I call if the hot water goes out? if the air stops working? if something starts to leak? how often should the gutters be cleaned? who is going to mow the lawn? My mind starts to drum up crazy scenarios, like termites invading while he’s gone. Our finances is another area he has been training me in for quite a while. And it still is not something I am comfortable taking over completely. Then there is the car, with its tire rotations, oil changes, and whatever else a car needs in order to run smoothly. I feel like a helpless, 1950’s housewife! Not to mention the everyday things I do just to meet the daily physical needs of a growing family. The thought of my husband being gone for a year causes me to push him away subtly to protect myself from the pain of our separation. Our marriage is suddenly in a state of intensity like never before from all the pressure we feel related to this deployment. Life has just been really hard for us lately.
So, this week I felt like it was time for a well deserved pity party. I kept reminding God that sometimes I feel like He chooses some of the hardest things I personally could have ever thought of and gives them all to me to deal with. Am I making any sense? I am thinking of our infertility and now our upcoming deployment. God is taking a path here that I definitely would have said “NO” to. I just struggle with the decisions God makes for me sometimes.
And yet…. in the midst of this week God taught me two profound truths about Himself. These hard things can be His invitation to draw me closer to His side, to experience a greater outpouring of His Spirit, a renewed over flow of His grace into my life. For it is the hard things that show me what I lack and cause me to grab onto Him with all my might. The other truth came from Romans 11:33-36, which I have paraphrased in my own words,
Oh, the canyon that encompasses all the wealth and counsel and mind of God! How mysterious are his manners and how veiled are the paths He chooses for us! For who has ever fathomed the thoughts inside His head, or who has ever surprised Him with their wit or wisdom? Who of us has ever lent God anything that God is now indebted to us? He is life itself, and the source of all life which springs from Him. He alone is worthy of our adoration. Amen.
Even though the path He chooses might often seem untraceable to my limited perspective, my path comes from the depth of His perfect wisdom and knowledge. This helps me rest in the choices He makes for me. Yes, the path is hard at times. But this path is the one He has chosen, therefore it is perfect.
This picture of my son is one of my favorites ever. A good friend snapped this recently. If God had not chosen the path of infertility for us, I would not have his beautiful little face in my life. To think of what I might have missed if I had insisted on a path of my own choosing is a horrible thought. Every day my son is a physical reminder of the untraceable paths of the Lord. All His ways lead to a glorious end. I pray for grace to keep me on the path when I am tempted to wander.
2 comments:
i can't imagine everything you are going through as you prepare for jonny to leave. just know that we are here for you and we want to do anything we can to ease your transition!!
Rebekah,
reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Although Daniel won't be gone nearly as long as a year, I still struggle with the seperation also, and have some of the same worries you do with (especially the 1950's housewife thing!). Thanks for the encouragment! I am so glad I got in touch with you, the Lord knew I needed your words of wisdom.
Lots of love, Morganne:-)
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